10 Reasons Why I Hate Football

Fellow Americans, before you sign my death warrant, know that I am talking about American Soccer, otherwise known as Football in the rest of the world. So relax – it’s okay – I’m only poking fun at Soccer!

I have been watching Euro 2008 on television, although I can’t tell which games have already been played (taped delay anyone?). Oh well – I don’t know any of the teams, players, or coaches, so ignorance is bliss.

After watching a few key match-ups (as I am told by the announcers) and ingesting a few slices of pizza and cheap American beer, I have reached the following conclusion: Soccer Stinks.

I actually played Soccer for years. The sport is fun during your childhood, but somehow the pleasurable, family atmosphere turns into a boring and violent theatre filled with male drama queens. Over the years I have watched Olympic Soccer, World Cups, and some German League matches (we had great cable channels when I was young).

Let me reiterate: Soccer Stinks. While watching some fine Soccer matches I actually wanted to kill myself. So without further delay, I humbly present 10 Reasons Why I Hate Football:

1. Drunken Fans

In American Football stadiums, we actually close the beer and booze stands before the end of the game. When do European and Latin American stadiums turn off the juice? My money’s on NEVER.

If I wanted to see drunken, violent Europeans in action, I would wear my Dodgers cap, grab a pink Polo short and some Nike sneakers, and visit an English pub. Or maybe attend a Prodigy concert in Berlin.

American sports fans do the wave. We tail gate and cook burgers. We bring our families and play catch with our children. We also eat ice cream and leave games early to beat the traffic.

World Soccer fans kick the crap out of each other. Period. I can’t say I blame them. After ninety minutes of back-and-forth and beer in the hot sun, I would probably beat the www.ufabethell out of my best friend. Soccer fans are time bombs waiting to explode.

And by the way, when European fans paint their faces and then riot, I am reminded of the brutal war scenes in Braveheart. Maybe World Soccer teams needs cute mascots to lower the testosterone. Miami Dolphins anyone?

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